


Aqua Teen Moriya Force

by Madras_Eclipse (Dattix2)



Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Touhou Project
Genre: Comedy, Gen, I put no effort into these whatsoever, Out of Character, Surreal humor, Unexplained Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-14 05:27:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13000809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dattix2/pseuds/Madras_Eclipse
Summary: A series of short, disjointed and self-contradicting misadventures as the Moriya Trio try to fight crime but usually just torment each other and their neighbor Rinnosuke instead.





	1. Inabot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eirin creates a robot to bring Mountain Dew™ to the moon.

Eirin showed Reisen to the bay door in the back of the mansion, wherein lay her latest invention.

“Ladies,” she said in a dramatic tone. “LOOK!”

The door opened up to reveal an enormous rabbit mecha with a Mountain Dew™ logo printed on its leg.

“INABOT!”

“Hey, wait a sec,” Reisen interjected. “I thought you said the money was gonna go into flying a thousand liters of Mountain Dew™ to the moon!”

“IT WILL!” Eirin said. “IN THIS! WE WILL GATHER ONE THOUSAND LITERS OF MOUNTAIN DEW™ IN THIS AND FLY IT TO THE MOON!!!!”

Suddenly, Inabot ran out the front door to the mansion, running over Reisen in the process and leaving the moon rabbit a skidded path of blood and entrails along the way, all the while Eirin cackled maniacally.

* * *

Meanwhile, at their shrine in Seattle, Gensokyo, Kanako was watching TV, with images of Inabot raiding the human village for its Mountain Dew™.

“Hey, my cartoon's on,” Sanae said butting into the room.

“Oh myself,” Kanako gasped. “You all seeing this?”

Sanae looked at the TV screen. “Yeah, my cartoon's on, can we change it?” The TV showed Inabot raiding a market and running out with all the Mountain Dew™ bottles in it.

“That thing looks kinda cute,” Suwako remarked.

“We gotta do something about it,” Kanako told them. “We're gonna go down to town and talk some sense into that Inabot.”

When she got up from the couch, Sanae got on and changed the channel and flipped to the cartoon channel, only to see it replaced with news footage of the Inabot.

“Why does that jackass robot have to steal my cartoons? It must be a conspiracy to keep Super Underage Sugar Magic Girls off the air!” She turned off the TV and turned to Suwako. “C'mon, we gotta go into town and tell that thing that it can't be taking my favorite show off the air!”

“I dunno, I kinda agree with it,” Suwako said. “That show isn't very good anyway.”  
Sanae objected. “It is the best show featuring underage prepubescent magical girls that comes on at nine in the morning on weekdays! I'll be damned if that robot steals it away from me!”

* * *

The three made their way into town, and on the way passed their neighbor Rinnosuke.

“Hey, godgirl, you see what that friggin' Inabot did to my friggin' shop?” The shop in question was a smoldering heap of wood and debris on the ground.

“Yes, Rinn, that's why we've come to try and knock some sense into it,” Kanako replied.

“Yeah, and you tell that friggin' Inabot that it's gotta pay for everything in the shop that it broke! I mean, look at this!” he said, holding up a half-eaten blow-up Yuyuko sex doll. “Vintage from the Lunar War! Ain't enough insurance money gonna cover that!”

“Er, yeah,” Kanako said.

“Come on!” Sanae said. “I need to tell that Inabot to put Super Underage Sugar Magic Girls back on the air! It can't be hogging the TV while it's supposed to come on!”

“Sanae,” Kanako said sharply, “do you really think that dumb TV show is the reason this thing is rampaging across the village stealing all the Mountain Dew™?”

“Yes, of course!” Sanae replied. “Why else would it be doing something this time of day to steal its timeslot?”

“Look, girl, if we don't stop this thing before it steals all the Mountain Dew™ in the Human Village, who knows how long before it moves on to SoDo or Hakurei Hill or heaven forbid Downtown right in the middle of the tourist season! I think your TV show that no one but you watches is the least of our concerns right now.”

“But I obje-”

At that moment, Inabot jumped down and started tearing at Sanae thinking she was a bottle of Mountain Dew™. “Hey, no, stop!” Kanako said. “She's not a bottle of Mountain Dew™!” She summoned an Onbashira to knock Sanae out of the Inabot's mouth, although at this point she was basically just a bloody pile on the ground attracting flies.

“Alright, now, let's think this through,” Kanako told Inabot calmly. “Now, it's Mountain Dew™ that you want, right?”

Inabot shook its head.

“Alright, then, I know where we can get some for minimal damage.”

“Where's that?” Suwako asked.

* * *

The Inabot blasted into Patchoulli's library while Patchy was busy playing Overwatch like she usually did whenever the mistress was asleep, and wasted no time stealing the pile of Mountain Dew™ bottles stacked behind her computer.

“What? Intruders! You can't steal my Mountain Dew™! Alright, Water Card Time!” Patchy prepared her feared water cards before Sanae shot her with 165,864 minigun rounds in 12 seconds, allowing them to steal the rest of the Mountain Dew™.

After they were done, Sanae scolded it. “Alright, now that you have your Mountain Dew™, you agree not to interrupt my TV show again, right?”

Inabot's eyes lit up and its mouth opened. “I AM ACTUALLY A FAN OF THAT SHOW. I OWN A MIZUKI BODY PILLOW.” It then flew up into the sky and through the floors and roof of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, in the process only killing 366 fairy maids.

Kanako stared up. “Wait a sec, isn't Mizuki like nine years old? Sick fuck.”

“I don't know,” Suwako said. “Actually, I've never told you guys this, but I own a Natane body pillow, and she's like only six or something?”

Kanako and Sanae stared at her wide-eyed.

“WHAT?!?” Kanako said in disbelief.

“YOU DO?!” Sanae exclaimed. “Those are really rare! I think one went at auction for, like, ten million yen or something!”

Kanako gave her a nasty look for missing the point.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the moon, Toyo and Yori were out on a walk when the Inabot landed in front of them.

“Oh look, Yori,” Toyo said. “It looks like another pathetic attempt by the earthlings to suck up to our superiority to them with a rabbit robot gift.”

“OHYEALOOKATTHATGIFTITSSOFUCKINGNICENOITSNOTITSUCKSBALLS!” Yori yelled out.

Inabot then opened its mouth and said, “I BRING MOUNTAIN DEW™ TO THE MOON FROM THE EARTH!” It then started spraying it all over Yori.

“OHMYGODSOMEONEGETTHISSTICKYGREENSHITOFFME!” she said flailing about trying to shake it off.

 


	2. C-String

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanae and Suwako have no idea what a c-string is.

Sanae was sitting on the couch watching Super Underage Sugar Magic Girls drinking beer when Kanako came barging in.

“Oh hey, what's up?” she asked.

“Oh, I'll tell you what's up,” Kanako snapped. “You've been skimping on your prayers, haven't you?”

Sanae pretended not to hear this. “And why do you say that? I've been praying enough on my Magic Eight Ball in my room for more episodes of this show!”

“It's been canceled for three years!”

“Yeah, well that doesn't mean more won't be more made,” Sanae scoffed.

“Look, Sanae, you can sit there and wait all you want for another episode to come out, which won't happen, meanwhile me and Suwako have been weak and drained which only happens when you're skimping on prayers so we've been having to suck down Monsters to make up for it! Now go to your room and do your prayers before I make you!”

“Hah,” Sanae sighed. “You know as a god you can't force prayers because forced prayers don't have the same kind of – ”

They heard a knock on their door.

“Who's that?” Sanae said.

“I don't know, I didn't invite anyone over. Suwako, can you go see who that is?” Kanako asked.

“Sure,” Suwako replied, going to the door.

Suwako opened the door and found a package. She brought it inside.

“It looks like a package,” she said.

“What kind of package?” Sanae said rushing to it. “What did I get?”

“I didn't order anything,” Kanako said. “Let me read the label.” She read it. “Hey, girls, it's addressed to Rinnosuke. They must have delivered it to us by mistake. C'mon, we need to – ”

“Well obviously it isn't,” Sanae said, “or they wouldn't have delivered it to our house.” She started ripping it open.

“Wait, Sanae, don't – ” Kanako tried to stop her. “You can't be opening up other people's packages! What if it's something private for him and now you're getting it all messed up!”

Sanae filched through the now open package, but couldn't find anything she wanted. “Argh, there's nothing in here – hey what's this?” She pulled out a strange, stiff crescent-shaped thing with one pointy and one flat end, and held it in the air. “Do you have any idea what this is?” She fiddled with the pointy end. “Looks like a new-age hippie hairband,” she said putting it on her head, “and a damn uncomfortable one, too.”

“Could be a custom-made spell card or danmaku projectile,” Suwako commented.

“Hold on, let me see,” Kanako said pushing Suwako to the side. “Actually no, this looks like it's a – ”

Sanae cut her off. “It doesn't look like any spell card I've ever seen, so that means it isn't a spell card.”

“Well then, why don't you just go out and test it?” Suwako rebutted.

“Alright, but only if you come with me, and then I can yell at you for thinking its a spell card.” They walked out the door.

“It is not a spell card,” Kanako said to deaf ears. “It's a – ” ***slam***

Kanako sighed, frustrated.

* * *

They walked up to Marisa's house and Sanae knocked on the door, strange object in hand.

Marisa answered the door, and before she could say anything, Sanae acted.

“Hey jerkface!” she shouted as she threw it in Marisa's completely unamused face.

“Right, so if that's a spellcard,” Suwako said, “then that means you just lost a life, right?” 

* * *

 

A little while later, they returned to the shrine, completely blackened from a Master Spark, with their hair still sizzling and pointed up and Suwako's hat missing an eye. Kanako was waiting for them with crossed arms.

“I told you it wasn't a spell card,” she told them.

“Yeah, well that's what I told her and that's why we came back looking like this!” Sanae retorted. She noticed the box was missing. “Where's our box?! What'd you do with it?”

Kanako responded, “first, it's not our box, it was addressed to Rinnosuke. Second, I put it inside his house and locked the door so you yayhoos wouldn't go in and try to get it.”

“So you just committed a home invasion to give someone our package!” Sanae said. “What if you laced it with Cyanide?”

“Well considering what it was, I may or may not have,” Kanako said unabashed. Of course she hadn't, but she liked trolling her roommates like that.

“Aha!” Sanae barked. “So that means you did! That makes you no better than us!”

“We still don't know what the strange thing is,” Suwako said. “Could be a boomerang?”

She grabbed it from Sanae and ran out the door to the cliff overlooking the town. Kanako and Sanae rushed out after her.

“Suwako,” Kanako said, “I keep trying to tell you, it's a – ”

Suwako chucked it off the cliff and observed it. It didn't come back.

“Damn it, Suwako!” Sanae shouted, “why did you throw our strange object away?”

“I wanted to see if it was a boomerang,” she smirked. “But it wasn't,” she frowned.

“Well then let's just go down and get it,” Kanako suggested. So they all went down in its general direction to try and fetch it.

* * *

Down in the town, Rinnosuke was getting ready to go to lunch. He locked up his shop, knowing that people were known to go in during his lunch hour and frisk for the strange artifacts he had inside.

“Ah man, I hope my shipment of c-strings came today,” he said to himself, “or else I'm never gonna-”

He was hit in the head with the object.

“Ahg, goddammit! What the hell was that?!” He held his head where it struck him and looked down at the ground. He picked the object up and examined it, before it hit him: this was one of the c-strings he ordered!

“Oh, okay, I get it, my mail is public friggin' domain and they can just chuck it off the mountain straight onto my head yeah no, what were those jerk whores doin' lookin' though my mail?!”

The three came down in his direction just then. “Oh hey, Rinn,” Kanako said. “Sorry about all this, they delivered the mail to our place and these two girls,” she glared at them, “thought it was theirs without even knowing what they were, so I tried telling them it was a – ”

“C-string, yeah I know genius,” Rinnosuke interjected. “Whoddya think I am, friggin' Cirno?” He held it up again. “Anyway, so you are curious what this thing is, right?”

“Uh, maybe?” Suwako said.

“Well, it's really simple see, believe it or not it's actually a piece of underwear. So what you do is you put it on like this,” he said while stripping completely naked while a horrified Sanae covered Suwako's eyes and Kanako facepalmed. A minute later he had it on around his junk, at which point Sanae uncovered Suwako's eyes.

“So yeah it's just like this,” he told them, still naked other than the c-string which was uncomfortably hugging him. “Best part, no band around the side showin' off if you pants come loose. I was gonna sell these in my shop in order to get more ladies to come.”

Sanae objected. “But proper women don't wear pants in Gensokyo!” She whacked him with her gohei. “Besides, they can fall off if you use them like that, so I refuse to accept them as underwear! What if some one wearing a skirt came along wearing one and it fell out and there was a wind and – ”

Kanako flipped up her dress revealing she was wearing one too.

“What the hell?!” Sanae yelled. “Not you too!”

“You see, Sanae, you can't tell people what they can or can't wear just because of what you think is proper!” Kanako smiled. “In fact, I told him I was gonne be his first custo-”

A whistle cut her off as officer Hakurei came by.

“Halt!” she said. “Public indecency!” She took out a lead baton and broke Rinnosuke's skull with it. Then she swung at Kanako.

“Wait, no, I can explai-” Kanako started to say until the baton broke her skull into chunky salsa and her body fell to the ground.

Sanae, covered in blood, walked up. “Thank you officer, that's what I've been trying to tell these idiots!”

“I thought you were trying to tell them that proper ladies don't wear pants,” Suwako said.

“Indeed they don't,” Reimu said.

Sanae looked at the camera. “So remember kids, just because it's sexy doesn't mean it's practical or appropriate. Always wear oversized bloomers if you wear dresses, and girls, always wear dresses!”

Suwako glanced at her. “This is a written fanfiction, there's no camera.”

“Shut up, I'm having a moment!” Sanae yelled as she punched Suwako in the face.

 


End file.
